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I am Having Thoughts of Suicide.  Am I Crazy?

Probably not.  While it is true that if someone is suffering from a more cognitive illness like schizophrenia or psychosis, the thoughts that flow are a symptom of that illness.  However, more often the thoughts of suicide are a result of feeling overwhelmed, experiencing the pain of anxiety and/or depression and your mind looking for a way to get out of that pain.

Let's pause for a quick moment.  If you're here because you're actively considering suicide, it's time to go to the hospital.  Call someone, anyone and ask them to help get you there.  Call 911, call the crisis line.  All those resources will help you get past this moment.  If you're struggling with the painful thoughts, read on.

In Depression-a Natural Response I wrote about how our nervous has limited ways of responding to our environment and that if we cannot flight or flee, the freeze response is depression. When the emotional pain and the resulting intolerable state of existence continues and we cannot see an end or find hope, our brain has an epiphany: If I wasn't here, I wouldn't feel this way. If we have exprience in our life with someone actually taking their own life, it can make that seem even more possible of an option.

So whenever the brain starts to think the stressful thoughts and the thought of suicide occurs, that can create a sense of relief becuase there is suddenly the hope of not feeling so much pain.  This is no different than an addiction. The addict feels stress and thinks when I'm high I won't think these thoughts or feel this way. The painful thoughts the person can't escape are associated with the thought, behavior or substance that gives them relief.  Then, that's all they can think about.

What's really happened though, is that the person's brain has run amok. It's taken control!  Your brain should not be in control - you need to be in control of it.  When your brain and body become the mind, when your brain and body simplely react to whatever pokes you in your environment, your inner sense of self feels lost and helpless. You feel as though you are your body and mind, so you feel as though you have no control of your life and your emotions. It is truly a painful cycle to be in!  Yet, it does not have to be this way.

If this sounds familiar, think about how you've literally practiced thinking stressful thoughts and connecting it to suicidal or other self-harmful thoughts. You've become an expert at this! Is it possible then, with practice could you become an expert at not thinking those thoughts?  Yes, this is 100% true - if you do the work.  This means seeking help and learning how to manage stressful thoughts and then practicing.

 Being alone with your thoughts is part of the problem.  So seek help. Find someone trained to help you map out your thoughts and beliefs to find the poisonous ones, to help you question beliefs and build tools for changing your thoughts can be immensely helpful.

Byron Katie's The Work may be a good way for you to start looking for and questioning the beliefs and thoughts that plague you.  Finding a good counselor is another step to take.  Find someone who gives you tools, who you have confidence in.  A good counselor should quickly help you understand what is happening and have tools and ideas on how to change things.  Most importantly, they should be able to help you find hope. 

If you need help now, call the King County Crisis Line at 206-461-3222 or 866-427-4747