Better Mental Health.net
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Anger Management

Do your emotions go from zero to sixty instantly? 

Do people around you say they walk on eggshells?

Do you find your needs frequently do not get met?

If you answer yes to these questions, you may have issues with anger.  What is anger? Where does it come from and what do you do with it?

What are emotions for?

Emotions such as sadness and fear are chemical reactions in our body that are designed to create an urge to do something to aid our survival.  Back in the cave man days when we were out hunting and suddenly came across a saber tooth tiger, if we did not have a fear response that motivated us to fight or run, we died.  Fear creates an urge to be safe.  Sadness creates an urge for us to feel connected with someone who cares. 

So what about anger?   When we feel mad it is often because we feel unfairly treated, and/or powerless. What we want are boundaries; changes.  We want to be able to go to the person, place or thing creating the unfairness and get the changes we need to feel okay again. Makes sense, right?  So why is anger sometimes so ugly?

Coping reactions

What happens, and here is where it gets interesting, is that humans often flip into a coping reaction.  Sometimes that reaction is shutting down and moving distant which is not so bad.  However reactionary anger is the yelling, screaming, slamming doors, throwing things, calling people names or worse.  This reaction is NOT the emotion of being mad, it is reacting to our emotion of being mad, or can be from fear or sadness.  Note: reacting in this way will not pull out of the other person what you need to feel better, instead you will get the opposite of what you want.

Where do emotions come from?

Thoughts and the meaning we make from what we experience.  Let's say you asked your partner to do the dishes, going on four times now.  In relationships when we cannot get our partner to respond to our needs and requests, we will start to think the thought I am not important to them, which is a scary thought.  If we're not important to them there is no relationship.  Yikes!  When we think that thought and feel that fear, what we do with this emotion is our responsibility.  If we yell at them and say things like, "You're such a jerk. You never do anything I ask, I don't know why I am in this relationship."  They will not be motivated to give us a hug and quickly do the dishes. Most likely they will attack back and refuse to ever do the dishes again.

How can you learn to respond versus react?

Reacting versus responding is the key, but when someone has emotional regulation issues or is very quick to move to anger, there is some individual work to do.  There may be deep seeded painful experiences from the past that need healing which is work we can do together to help bring an inner calmness and tolerance to you.  We are always responsible for how we respond.  Let me say that again: we are always responsible for how we respond. No one makes us angry, we do that with our own thoughts. 

In counseling you can learn to be more self aware of when emotions start, gain tools to interrupt those thoughts that spool you up into an angry state, and be able to heal painful emotions and experiences from your past.  These are some of the methods and tools we can use together, to help you get on top of your reactions and start managing your life in a more calm and satisfying way.

Here's a freebie:  Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT Tapping) is a fantastic tool to help manage thoughts and feelings. Visit David Childerley on a YouTube tap along videos for anger, and learn a quick and easy tool that might work wonders for you.